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Music JokesOur aim is to compile the most comprehensive music jokes on the web. If you know a music joke that is not included here, then please send it to us by email: jokes@ukpianos.co.uk. Any jokes that are deemed to contain offensive language won't be published.
UK Pianos "Best music jokes So Far" 1st position: Q/ What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A/ Everyone is happy when the case is closed. 2nd position: Q. What does it mean when a guitar player drools out of both sides of his mouth? A. The stage is level. A/ Put it in a viola case. Piano JokesQ/ What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? Q/ What do you get when you drop a piano on an army camp? Q/ What do you say to an army officer just as you are about to run him or her over with a steam roller? Q/ Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Q/ Why was the piano invented? A/ So musicians would have a place to put their beer.
Q/ What do you call a fish musician? A/ A piano tuna. The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!" Organ Jokes
Violin and Viola JokesQ/ What is the difference between grade 7 and grade 8 Viola? Q/ What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A/ fiddle is fun to listen to. A/ So violinists can understand them. Q/ How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? A/ The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q/ What's the difference between a violin and a viola Q/ What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? A/ No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. Q/ Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? A/ Violins don't have spit valves.
Q/ How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None. They can't get up that high! Q/ Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? A/ You might bend the nail.
Q/ How do you get a viola section to shut up? A/ Write solo over the parts Q/ What's the difference between a violin and a viola? A/ viola takes longer to burn Q/ What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A/ You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline
Q/ How do you get 2 viola players to play in tune? A/ Shoot one of them Q/ How do you get a viola player to play tremolo? A/ Give him a semibreve and mark it 'solo'
Q/ Why dosn't anyone ever complement a vilolin player? A/ Becase everyone knows that the real instruments deserve all the complements. Q/ How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? A/ Put it in a viola case. Q/ What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A/ Terrorists have sympathizers. Q/ Why don't violists play hide and seek? A/ Because no one will look for them. Q/ How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A/ The bow is moving. Q/ How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A/ Sit in the back and don't play. Q/ How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A/ Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. Q/ What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A/ A viola burns longer. Q/ Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A/ It is usually still in the case. Q/ What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A/ Everyone is happy when the case is closed. Q/ Which is smaller, a violin or a viola? A/ They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger. Q/ Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A/ Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing. Q/ What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? A/ fiddle is fun to listen to. Q/ Why are viola jokes so short? A/ So violinists can understand them. Q/ What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle. Q/ How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? A/ The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q/ How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None. They can't get up that high! Q/ Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? A/ You might bend the nail.
Q/ Why do so many people take an instant dislike to Viola players? Why wait; It saves so much time. Q/ Why are Violist's ears sought after for transplants? A/ They've never been used. Q/ Why do Violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra? A/ They can't handle any subject reference to "more than one position". Q/ Why is a Violist like a terrorist? A/ They both screw up bowings. (Bowings/Boeings ... Get it?) Q/ What's the difference between a Violist and a terrorist? A/ A few people actually like terrorists; Their mothers ... Q/ Why is a Viola like a lawsuit? A/ Everyone is happy when the case is closed. Q/ Why are Violas larger than Violins? A/ They're not; It's an optical illusion. Viola players have small heads. Q/ What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? A/ A chainsaw has a better chance at blending in a string quartet. Q/ What do you call someone who hangs around musicians a lot? A/ A Viola player. Q/ What do you call a Viola player with half a brain? A/ Gifted. Q/ What do you call a Violist with more than one brain cell? A/ Pregnant.
Q/ What's the difference between a chainsaw and a Viola? A/ In the "Texas Viola Massacre", the killer was wearing a tuxedo. Q/ What do a SCUD missile and a Viola player have in common? A/ They're both offensive and inaccurate. Q/ What's the most effective male birth control method? A/ Tell the girl he plays the Viola. Q/ Why don't Violists play hide and seek? A/ Because no one will look for them. Q/ Why shouldn't Violists take up mountain climbing? A/ If they get lost, no one will look for them. Q/ What do you get when you cross a Viola player with a sheep? A/ A sheep that plays out of tune and has lousy time. Q/ What's the ideal weight for a professional Viola player? A/ About 20 ounces - not counting the urn. Q/ Why are some Violists taking up the Accordion? A/ Upward mobility. Q/ Why are so many Violists dating drummers A/ It makes them feel superior. Q/ How do you get a Viola player out of a tree? A/ Cut the rope! Q/ Why are Viola jokes so short? A/ So Drummers can remember them. "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!" Cello JokesQ/ How do you make a cello sound beautiful? A/ Sell it and buy a violin.
Q/ How do you get a cello to play in tune? A/ Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps. Q/ What's the difference between a cello and a bass? A/ The bass just makes a bigger keg. Q/ How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? A/ Write "pp, espressivo" Q/ What does a celloist do when he`s playing? A/ He is going into depression. Q/ What does a celloist do when he`s not playing? A/ Nothing, he has depression. Q/ How do you stop a cellist fromm drowning? A/ Take your foot off his head. Q/ What's perfect pitch? A/ When you throw a cello in the toilet without hitting the rim. Q/ Why do cellists never play hide and seek? A/ Because no one ever comes to look for them
String Bass Jokes
Q/ How do you make a double bass sound in tune? A/ Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
Q/ How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. Q/ How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1/
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed? There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physicist and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?" A guitarist arrives at the rehearsal to find the bass player and the drummer fighting. "What's going on?" he asked The bass player replied "He de-tuned one of my strings!" "That's OK" said the guitarist. "You can just tune it back up again". "I can't" said the bass player. "He won't tell me which one!" Guitar JokesQ/ What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? A/ He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. Q/ How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A/ Give him some sheet music. Q/ What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? A/ Both suck when you plug them in. Q/ How do you make a bass player turn down the volume? A/ Put a chart in front of him. Q/ How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand - One, but the guitarist has to show him first - Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Q/ What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth? A/ The stage is level. Q/ What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A/ Counterpoint.
Q/ How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None, they just steal somebody else's light. Q/ How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better. Q/ How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb? A/ 5 - one to hold it in place and 4 to drink beer until the room spins
Q/ How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better". A/ Solitaire. Q. What do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend? A. Homeless. Q. What does it mean when a guitar player drools out of both sides of his mouth? A. The stage is level. Q/ What is perfect pitch? A/ When guitar doesn't hit the side of the dumpster. Q/ What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A/ Counterpoint. Q/ How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A/ Give him a sheet of music. Q/ What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? A/ Would you like fries with that? Q/ How do you get 2 electric guitar players to play in perfect unison ? A/ Shoot one of them. Q/ Did you hear about the heavy metal player who locked his keys in the car? A/ He had to break the window to let the drummer out! Harp Jokes
Q/ How long does a harp stay in tune? A/ About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door.
Q/ Why are harps like elderly parents? A/ Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q/ What's the definition of a quartertone? A/ A harpist tuning unison strings. Banjo Jokes
Q/ What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid? A/ You drive slowly over the cattle grid...
You're driving down the street- there's an accordion on one side and a banjo on the other ... which do you go for first?...... the accordion , because it' s business before pleasure. Flute and Piccolo Jokes
Q/ How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? A/ Shoot one. Q/ What is perfect pitch on a flute? A/ When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in. Q/ Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories? A/ To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes. Q/ What's the definition of a minor second? A/ Two flutes playing a unison. Teacher: Did you here about the flute that could play by itself? Boy: no... Teacher: I haven't either.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. Bassoon and Oboe Jokes
Q/ What is a burning oboe good for? A/ Setting a bassoon on fire.
Q/ What's another name for a bassoon? A/ A farting bedpost
Q/ What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A/ A bad oboist can kill you. Q/ Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A/ The bassoon burns longer. Q/ How do you get an oboist to play A flat? A/ Take the batteries out of his electric tuner. Q/ Why did the chicken cross the road? A/ To get away from the bassoon recital. Q/ What is the definition of a half step? Two bassoonists playing in unison. Q/ What is the definition of a major second? A/ Two baroque oboists playing in unison. Q/ When is an oboe a good oboe? A/ When it's down a toilet Clarinet Jokes
Q/ What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? A/ Gifted.
Q/ How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? A/ Cut the noose. Q/ Why do clarinetists place their cases on the dashboard? A/ So they can park in handicapped spaces. Q/ What do you get when you remove half a bass clarinetist's brain? A/ An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist. Q/ What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? A/ No one cries when you chop a clarinet into little pieces. Q/ What's the definition of a nerd? A/ Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. Q/ Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat? A/ Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health. Q/ How do you put down a tenor saxophone? A/ Confuse it with a bass clarinet. Q/ What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet? A/ Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.
Q/ How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. Saxophone Jokes
Q/ What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? A/ The exhaust. Q/ What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? A/ Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles - The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it - The grip. Q/ How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Q/ Why don't sax players like playing soprano? A/ There's no place to hide your drugs, Q/ What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common? A/ People cheer when you hit them with a bat. Q/ What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun? A/ The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second. Trumpet Jokes
Q/ What does a lead trumpet player use as a contraceptive? His personality! A/ What does vibrato mean to a brass player? open the spit valve. Q/ What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? A/ I haven't a clue. Q/ What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A/ Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. Q/ How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? A/ "Hi. I'm better than you."
Q/ What's the difference between a dressmaker and a baroque trumpeter? A/ A dressmaker tucks up frills
Q/ How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. Q/ Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? A/ He's too sensitive. Q/ Why shouldn't you take the trumpet section on a pub crawl? They are always a bar behind. A/ How many 3rd cornet players does it take to change a light bulb? None! they can't get that high! Q/ What do trumpet players use for birth control? A/ Their personalities. Q/ How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A/ The doorbell shrieks! Q/ What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up?" A/ "But Johnny, you can't do both." Q/ What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars? A/ Continue to play gigs until the money ran out. Q/ Why did the chicken cross the road? A/ To get away from the trumpet players. Q/ How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpeter's car? A/ Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. Q/ What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain? A/ Gifted. Q/ What's the first thing a trumpet player says at work? A/ "Would you like fries with that?"
I once knew a trumpet player that triped over a cordless phone. Trombone Jokes
Q/ How do you spot a Trombonists Children in the playground? A/ There the one's that can't slide or swing!
Q/ How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? A/ He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. Q/ How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Q/ How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? A/ 5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual comments.
Q/ How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.
Q/ How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone? A/ Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste - Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes! Q/ What is a gentleman? A/ Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. Q/ What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone? A/ A optimist. Q/ What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? A/ The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. Q/ What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? A/ Vibrato, though you can minimise this difference by holding the chain saw very still - It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. Q/ What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? A/ "Year-At-A-Glance."
Q/ How can you tell that a kid on a playground is a trombonist's kid? A/ He can't swing and he complains about the slide. Q/ Someone asks a trombonist: "What's the subdominant of F major?" A/ The trombonist is confused: "What??? I thought F major was the subdominant!" Q/ What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? A/ 1. Vibrato. 2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. Q/ How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A/ 1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. 2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes. Q/ What do you call a trombonist with a beeper? A/ An optimist. Q/ What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? A/ On or off. Q/ What's the best kind of trombone? A/ A broken one! Q/ What do you call a trombonist with half a brain? A/ Gifted. Q/ How do you save a trombonist from drowning? A/ Take your foot off their head. Q/ What's the least used sentence in the English language? A/ "Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!" Q/ What do you call a trombone player in the street? A/ A beggar. Q/ What's the difference between a frog driving a car and a trombonist driving a car? A/ The frog may be on his way to a gig. It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays. French Horn JokesQ/ How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A/ Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. Q/ What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy? A/ you can tune a '57 Chevy. Q/ Why is the French horn a divine instrument? A/ Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it. Q/ How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A/ Have them miss every other note.
Q/ What is the difference between a squirrel and a French horn player in the back of a taxi? A/ The squirrel is probably going to a gig. Q/ How many horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ 100, one to change it, and a 99 others to say how much better they could have done it. Q/ How can you know a horn player is coming to you? A/ The doorbell has missed the tune! Q/ How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A/ Have them miss every other note. Q/ What do you get when you cross a Horn player and a goal post? A/ A goalpost that can't march. Q/ How many Horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q/ How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A/ "Hi. I played that last year." "Hi. I did that piece in junior high." A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!" Tuba Jokes
A/ Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q/ How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins. Q/ How do you fix a broken tuba? A/ With a tuba glue.
Q/ These two tuba players walk past a bar... A/ Well, it could happen! Drum JokesQ/ What do you call someone that hangs around with musicians? Q/ Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A/ So you don't have to retrain the drummers. Q/ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? A/ Drool. Q/ How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? A/ The knock always slows down. Q/ How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? A/ Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. Q/ Why do bands have bass players? A/ To translate for the drummer.
Q/ Whats the difference between radox bath oil and a drummer? A/ Radox bucks up the feet Q/ Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? A/ It took two hours to get the drummer out. Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None. They have machines to do that now. Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A/ "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" - Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb/ - Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. - None. They have a machine to do that. Q/ Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? A/ So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. Q/ What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A/ With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. Q/ You're trapped in a lift with Hitler, Sadam Hussein and a drummer. You have a gun but only two bullets - who do you shoot? A/ The drummer, twice. (Can't afford to take chances!/ Q/ How do you know when a drummers stool is lopsided? A/ All the drool runs out the same side of his mouth. Q/ How do you tell which car belongs to the drummer ? A/ It's the only one with 2 dipsticks
Q/ Why does the drummer leave his drumsticks on his dashboard? A/ So he can park in the handicap zone. Q/ What do you call a drummer with half a brain? A/ Gifted. Q/ Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car? A/ He had to break a window to get the drummer out! Q/ Why do drummers have 1/2 ounce more brains than horses? A/ So they don't disgrace themselves during the parade. Q/ What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A/ A drummer. Q/ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? A/ Drool. Q/ Why do bands have bass players? A/ To translate for the drummer. Q/ How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you? A/ You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground. Q/ What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A/ You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once. Q/ What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? A/ The defendant! Q/ How do you know when a drummer is at your door? A/ The knock slows down. The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!" The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!" Drummers have a brain . . . they just all share it. Saxophone JokesQ/ How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? A/ Five. One to do it, and four to comment on how David Sanborn would have done it. Q/ Why don't sax players like playing soprano? A/ There's no place to hide your drugs, Q/ What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common? A/ People cheer when you hit them with a bat. Q/ What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower? A/ A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it Q/ What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun? A/ The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second. Vocalist JokesSoprano JokesQ/ What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? A/ You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q/ What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha? A/ The lipstick.
Q/ How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? A/ The horses seem very relieved.
Q/ How do you know when there's a singer at the door? A/ She can't find the key and she doesn't know when to come in. Q/ What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? A/ The jewellery. Q/ How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? A/ One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her - Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it - Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under her. Q/ What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A/ About 10 pounds. Q/ If you threw a violinist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? A/ The violinist. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions - Who cares? Q/ What's the first thing a soprano does in the morning? A/ Puts on her clothes and goes home. Q/ What's the definition of an alto? A/ A soprano who can sight-read.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A. The lead singer. Alto JokesQ/ How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb? A/ None. They can't get that high - Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Q/ What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? A/ Tenors don't have hair on their backs. Tenor Jokes
Q/ What's the definition of a male quartet? A/ Three men and a tenor. Q/ What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt? A/ A tenor. Q/ How do you tell if a tenor is dead? A/ The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
Q/ How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes. Q/ Where is a tenor's resonance? A/ Where his brain should be. Bass JokesQ/ How do you tell if a bass is dead? A/ What's the difference? - Who cares?
Q/ How do you tell if a bass is actually dead? A/ Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred). Q/ How many basses does it take to change a light bulb? A/ None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins. Conductor JokesQ/ What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A/ The bull has the horns at the front and the asshole at the back.
Q/ What's the difference between God and a conductor? A/ God knows He's not a conductor.
Q/ What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? A/ Not enough concrete. Q/ A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road, which one do you run over first, and why? A/ The conductor. Business before pleasure. Q/ Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? A/ They've had so little use. Q/ What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertiliser? A/ The sack. A/ The good news: it crashed - The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. Q/ Why is a conductor like a condom? A/ It's safer with one, but more fun without. Musician Jokes
Q/ How many soul fans does it take to change a light bulb? A/ Six - one to change it and five to say "It's not as good as the original, is it" Q/ Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock? A/ Because most shops close by six thirty. Q/ How do you become a millionaire playing jazz? A/ Start off as a billionair |